Saturday, August 06, 2005

i do not know what possesses me to do these things.

if this entry had a subtitle it would be, "nothing like accosting your former high school crush online to remind you just how lame you were in high school".

good thing i didn't have the presence of mind to actually save the logs of the conversation, because it brought back, in strange, frightening, crystal clear detail just how absolutely fucked up i was in high school. in just a few phrases or sentences of things he said, BOOM. that slight tone of pity (which i'm probably imagining), "glad to hear you're on the up and up" he said. as if i had a huge hole to dig my way out of. i remember how it was to be that small and miserable, that racked by anger and self-hatred. life and growth just grind to halt. it made me realize that perhaps i'm not as far away from that place as i thought.

so yeah, J. is a computer engineer working for the fucking Department of Defense in Baltimore. he has a real job and a girlfriend. he also mentioned a mutual friend of ours who is also working in Baltimore. it was right then that it struck me: we're all adults now. i have this fixed image of all the people i knew in high school, and they are perpetually in college. though in reality, after six years, even the slackers among us have long since graduated and gone onto jobs and marriage and kids and grown-up shit like that.

and even though i have this piece of paper that says i have a Bachelor's degree, even though i have achieved every single professional goal i've set out for myself, even though i have the social circle and friends and responsibilites of an adult, i still persist to think of myself as a kid. some part of my mind is still waiting for me to get a real job and a real life, even though intellectually i know that being an artist is all i'm good at, and it's all i'll ever be. that's why talking to J. has just fucking thrown me around the block. i guess i'm a grown-up now.

2 Comments:

Anonymous said...

i love your blog.
~alexis

7:34 PM  
sabrina said...

huzzah for old friends- cchs seems long long ago.

i think perhaps i'm a rather different person from high school but i don't equate it with growing up- more like.. growing out- expanding? or growing in- understanding? i guess i have a lot more experiences to draw from now and i've spent a lot more conscious time on being me.


for my vote- the notion of a steady job, monthly bills, house, spouse, or degrees being the sure herald of a grown-up is a lie. there's some correlation yes but honestly, i think the biggest difference between being a kid and being grown-up is how you *approach* what you do, not *what* you do or what you own.

in kid mode i do what i want, damned be the consequences.. if i even bothered to think about them.

in adult mode i do what i want with willful and insightful responsibility for consequences.

12:02 PM  

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