Monday, November 28, 2005

i realize that no one but me will find this amusing.

Dear MTV,
i know that my obsession with you is, for a 24 year old with a college education and an NPR fetish, slightly unhealthy. it was for you that i ponied up sixty bucks a month for Comcast Cable whilst in Philadelphia, and now that i am poor and living in Houston with an enormous movie collection (courtesy of my roommate), there is, alas, no room for you in my life or my pocketbook. but that doesn't stop me from having an orgy while i'm at my parents' house.

longingly yours,
Bethany

Dear Kelly Clarkson,
i don't understand the whole hipster fascination with "Since U Been Gone" (and what i mean that is i understand the fascination, because it's a near perfect pop song, but i don't understand why hipsters love it), but i have to say that i for one never thought you would last this long. from blonde to red to brown to back to blonde again. plus you're pretty and you have a good voice. thanks for singing an anthem for all the children of divorce.

admiringly,
Bethany

Dear James Blunt,
you're singing in a snowstorm in your video. you're slowly stripping off your clothes and telling me i'm beautiful. i guess this is your niche since John Mayer up and left for a shot at some indie cred. next thing i know you'll be telling me my body is a wonderland. sigh.

wistfully,
Bethany

Dear Black Eyed Peas,
i never thought someone would dare to rhyme "lumps" with "humps" in a song. thank you for that.

peace,
Bethany

Dear Kanye,
so everyone was telling me about Golddigger. i do not listen to the radio (outside aforementioned NPR fetish), so i hadn't heard it until now. i am wondering about the pattern i see emerging in your singles: first a mildly socially conscious song, then a song about how all the women are out to get your newly acquired bling. do you not like women, Kanye? diamonds are forever for some of us, i suppose, but sheesh. oh, and ps. the song rocks. also, do we have a timeline on how long will Jamie Foxx be milking the Ray Charles thing?

wonderingly,
Bethany

Dear Mariah,
you writhe next to a fireplace. you writhe on a couch. you writhe in a limo. you writhe in a pool. you writhe with some bald guy that isn't the guy from Prison Break. all this time you are singing. sometimes you look like a horse when you sing. and please leave the whistle thing back in 1995, okay? thanks.

appreciatively,
Bethany

Dear Gwen,
okay, so in your new video, you know you do that thing where you paint your lips one color and then outline them with a darker color? it makes your mouth look like an asshole, and it's giving me nightmares. please stop.

thanks in advance,
Bethany

Dear Shakira,
i don't know why, but somehow the rest of the English speaking world has not been clued into the fact that you are possibly the sexiest woman alive. and if it wasn't enough to have you singing in Spanish with that dude while you had sex all over that cutting board full of onions, now you come back looking insanely beautiful, singing in English in that growlly awesome voice of yours, in a video that recalls Aerosmith's inane best, only now you're smashing cars. rawk.

lustfully,
Bethany

3 Comments:

Rhymes With Scrabble said...

Re: Shakira: God, tell me about it. Yowza. :D

8:57 AM  
Anonymous said...

B -
You are and will always be hilarious. I love the way you express yourself and, i feel, i can always relate to what you share here.
I hope you had a nice birthday here in "Phizzle" and also in "Texax".
- 9er

9:24 AM  
alexis said...

hilarious.

7:01 PM  

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