Saturday, December 24, 2005

all i saw were sodium lights.

there are two enormous wreaths hanging on the large sign in front of the toll lanes. the wreaths are hung so the sign now declares this to be the "HOLLAND TONNEL".

when i emerged from underground and found myself on Hudson Street, i heard a vague acccusatory whisper, the one i always hear when i arrive in new york: why aren't you here. i wanted to roll down the window and scream out into the cold dark night, BECAUSE I CAN'T, but i didn't.

i was utterly blank and quiet as i drove up the New Jersey Turnpike. somewhere after Willow Grove the stereo quit working; nothing i could do would turn it back on. that was okay, i was awake, wide awake, and i stared, stared, and cried, and remembered, and tried to get this bitter taste out of my mouth.

i watched my life is Houston pretty much fall apart over the last week. i am deciding now if i should stay or go back to Philadelphia. to what, though? i don't have a job. i don't have a studio or a place to live. but i don't particularly have those things in Houston, either, at least after January 31st. i don't know what to do. i wish someone would just make decisions for me.

after a nearly hour-long tour of the East Village, i finally found a parking space of dubious pedigree, found my sister's apartment, and collapsed upon her insanely comfortable bed. i stared out her window, and all i saw was a tangle of tenement buildings and fire escapes, with a sliver of blue sky and clouds.


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