Thursday, February 16, 2006

shut up, bethany.

i got my work shot last week. that sentence sounds utterly pretentious, but it also sounds really cool. like i am one of those people who nonchalantly says "i met with the photographer today", as if i was being photographed for Vogue. but, at any rate, after handing over an arm and leg's worth of cash, i got my slides back and they just sing. they look wonderful. it's amazing how a photograph can change a piece of art for the better (or worse). my stuff looks good, so good that i almost regret not applying to graduate school this year. i put it off, like the chicken i am, for next year, because i still don't feel like i'm ready. i will likely never feel that i am ready. but keeping in mind my goal, which is to be in graduate school by the time i am 27, i should be fine. but i really want to go to Yale, which may be stupid and kind of scary, which i why i put it all of until next year.

ages, yes. i have ages. i have to be in graduate school by the time i'm 27. i have to buy a house by the time i'm 33 or 34. i have to have a full time job and/or be tenured by the time i'm 40. i don't have any dates for marriage or children, which is good, i think. ages. ages are good, i guess.

god. this is what my head has been sounding like for the past few days.

and i am trying to fight down the rising panic of no job and no place to live, and i wonder, was this moving back to Philly a bad idea? not in and of itself a bad idea, but the moving part. i hate moving, but i keep doing it. at the same time, i feel like i have absolutely nothing left to do here in Houston. i've exhausted this place, and i want out. talking to my friends and acquaintances here, Houston just seems like a place to get out of. a place to escape from, not to go to.

what the hell is wrong with me? when i am not sitting, staring at this screen, i have 101 witty ideas for entries, but now that i am here, all i can manage is a brain dump.

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Bethany,

Haven't heard from/about you in a few years, parsed by JB on Helix.

Comment: One is never ready. We jump before we're ready because if we wait until we're ready we never jump. (Even should we manage to be ready and to jump, the essence has long been gone.)

JoeB

8:54 PM  

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