on being alone.

today i sat on the art museum steps for a few minutes before going into see Tesoros. from that location, looking down the Parkway, the perfect urban design that William Penn dreamt of comes into focus: in a perfect line, Eakins Oval, Logan Circle, Love Park and farthest away, City Hall. I listened to a little boy exclaim to his parents that you could see forever. and it's true, you can see forever. you can almost imagine, sitting at this point in the city of Philadelphia, that this is a beautiful, special, civilized place, not a place torn apart constantly by violence and dispair.

how many murders this year already? i'm sure it's past 400 by now. every day, a new story, a new gun, a new victim, until it all becomes meaningless and repetitive. i try to honor each loss i read about with some modicum of attention, but in truth it becomes tiring and painful.

i feel as though our culture is becoming more and more individualized, and though individual is, in America, a word full of possibility, there comes a point where the idea of an individual is taken too far, when it becomes destructive. people who are looking out exclusively for their own interests are scary. when you have no stake in anything or anyone around you, you can and will do anything.

the idea of "citizen" is something that has fallen by the wayside. there is no interest in what can i as an individual can do for the common good, we are too absorbed in ourselves and our own pain. i truly, truly, truly believe, like Anne Frank said, that people are good at heart. if this makes me naive and stupid, then so be it. all we have is each other, we are all part of the same organism and the same energy. we have to reach out to each other, because it's too terrible to be alone in a world this big and terrifying.

i have spent so much time alone. and most of the time i am okay with that, but lately, i have not been. i have been reaching out to my friends for something they can't really give, because what's missing is in my own head: the ability to be enough for myself. i curse my brain chemistry and the things that still aren't quite connecting to make this happen. i have argued back and forth, and what it all comes down to why can't anything be easy. why must i struggle to keep myself on an even keel. why can't for once i just float through life, maybe not in a series of perfect situations, but at least interesting ones. i am so alone in my own head, and will always be, just like everyone else.

the terrible hereafter.

i've gotten to a very hard place in the last month. it feels like everything around me is changing, and that sounds like a cliche and a very bad song lyric, but it's true. it seems that events, people and places have coalesced together to make me question who the hell i am, which is a question i thought i wouldn't have to grapple with again.

i was depressed for a very, very long time. now i'm not, and i'm pretty sure i won't ever go back to that place. this is the thing they never tell you when you finally make it out; how to cope with the things you've missed, and how to live that new normal. i feel like there is a hole, a 5 year hole, where i was just not functioning on many levels. now i feel like i've fallen behind, and it's going to take me forever to catch up.

i curse the people in my life who are still there because they are dragging me down. i curse the people who have never been there because there is some part of me that they will never understand. i could write a novel on this disconnect i feel, this feeling of "passing" for normal. i suspect i will always feel this way.