disconnections

November 24. 1999

The more time goes by, I'm more and more convinced that I'm just a masochist when it comes to relationships with other people.

The past few days I've been going through the "everyone hates me" phase. I don't know what prompts me to feel this way, but when I don't get the responses and reactions out of people that I want, my mind jumps to the conclusion of "Oh, they must hate me." As ridiculous as it sounds, I've been doing it all my life, and I've only recently even recognized that I am doing it.

As I've said before in my journal, I can never shake the feeling of being on the outside. It's always been there within my social interactions. Part of me makes me wonder how much of that feeling is me inflicting it on myself. Not necessarily the people around me ostracizing me (although I know that's a part of it) but more like I am separating myself from them, for whatever reason. Maybe it's the "I'm not worthy" thing coming back to haunt me again. God, I really thought I was past that.

Anyway, back to masochism. Yes, I have been a follower of the school of "I'm not worthy" for most of my life. I should have a doctorate by now. This attitude, combined with my low self esteem throughout my grade school years, made for some pretty fucked up relationships with people I called my "friends". Especially with one particular person whom I called my best friend from 6th grade on.

One incident stands out in my mind with this person. I remember we made plans to go somewhere, and I had been looking forward to it for weeks, and then at the last minute she called and canceled on me. Then she had the balls to tell me that she was going somewhere with someone else. I remember sitting at the computer, playing Tetris and crying for a couple hours. That wasn't the only time something like that happened to me. In fact, she let me down in many ways, many times. I remember my parents telling me over and over again to confront her, to tell her I was mad at her, but I always made excuses for her, that it wasn't her fault.

Things got progressively worse between us when we got to high school. Since she was a grade ahead of me, it made things a little difficult. We were never in the same classes, and she had a group of friends in her grade that she hung out with. Time and time again, she would blow me off for whatever reason, and I would bite my tongue, not say anything, and then be surprised when she did it to me again. Then she got a boyfriend, an obnoxious asshole who I couldn't stand. I at least had the balls to tell her I hated his guts. This didn't go over too well with her, and for the two and half years they were together, we didn't have any contact at all. Then she went off to college, and I remained in high school, and the gap widened between us so much that I found that I didn't care about her too much anymore. There wasn't any way I could really connect to her.

I never told her how mad I was at her. I never told her how much she hurt me. It's like my vocal chords are paralyzed whenever I'm around her, and what precious little assertiveness I have flies out the window. We do hang out occasionally now, and it's gotten a little less awkward each time we have. I still can't talk to her the way I want to, and the feeling I get whenever I'm around her - the feeling of "you stupid, little, unimportant person" - is lessening somewhat. I should have told her to go fuck off dozens of times. I wish I had, almost, because it might have salvaged our relationship. But I never did. So the chronicle of the masochist continues...

The reason I brought up these incidents from the dregs of my memory was because it's suddenly, strangely relevant again. Because I realized I am starting to do it again, this time with another person. I also realized that I am worth more than this. I don't need to be needlessly fucked over by someone just so I can feel loved and wanted. Ironically, this is the person I wrote about in my September 5 entry. This is the person who I thought I would be friends with forever. But something just went awry. The fact that she can't accept my religious beliefs (or lack thereof), the fact that she's being stupid over some asshole guy who she claims she's in love with, the fact that every time I knock on her door wanting to talk she makes sure I feel like I'm being stupid and bothersome...it all added up.

I realized, in comparing who I was in high school and who I am now, that I am strong enough not to take this. I realized that there are some people you just have to shake your head, in some cases tell them to fuck off, and just walk away. As hard as it is for me to do that, and as much as every fiber in my being is opposed to this, it's what I did. No one deserves to treated like shit by another person, for any reason.

music: Court and Spark, Joni Mitchell
food: no cafeteria food for 4 days!!!!
read: A History of Women, Volume I, Pauline Schmitt Pantel
sight: lab, lab, lab, oh yeah, oh yeah, the computer laaaaaaab
random: what the hell ever happened to Rockapella? go here. :) I was an avid fan of Where in World is Carmen Sandiego? and also saw them in concert waaay back in 1995. They're talented boys. They're going to be on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade tomorrow, look for the Folgers' Float!
Song Lyric:
"You think you're not worthy / well I have to say I agree / I'm not worthy of you / you're not worthy of me."
- Worthy, Ani DiFranco