the end of the honeymoon

October 26. 1999

Last week, I wrote to one of my friends in an email that you need a whole new set of social skills upon entering college. I was also discussing with someone else at some point the key social differences between high school and college. Basically, in high school, you were with a group of people for a limited amount of hours in a day, and at the end of the day, you could be rid of them and go home, thereby removing any chance of you tiring or getting sick of them. However, upon entry to college, there is no safe space. You are with the same people for pretty much the whole day, evening and night. And, after an initial honeymoon period where everyone is nice and sweet, people drop the facade and start being themselves. That's when it gets messy.

That's exactly what's happening to me now. People a month ago I thought would be my friends for years I have told to fuck off, and people I wouldn't even consider as friends are proving to be quite valuable to me. I'm finally learning to listen, somewhat. Listening is a talent that's at a premium these days. I'm learning to be patient, I'm learning to give people their space, and just general social skills that I was in sore need of. I've talked endlessly about and counseled the other girls on my floor about the various shortcomings of the male species. I've learned what to say and not to say to certain people in certain situations. As much as I've hated tiptoeing around people, sometimes its best for all involved. I still haven't learned the appropriate time to shut my mouth, but that's a lifetime goal. ;)

I had a feeling all through high school of an undercurrent of hatred, lying just below the surface of everything said and done. I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced this, if you have, you know what I mean. In the high school social situation, there's a lot of anger and hatred left unsaid, simply for the sake of order and sanity. Occasionally, someone gets mad enough that the niceness facade is interrupted and the true nature of our relationships are revealed.

I think a lot of high school relationships are shallow for that very reason. Not that I'm saying it's the rule, but I think alot of these things left unsaid, however unpleasant, keep people from having a deeper relationship with the people they hang around with. Obviously, there are people you get to know enough to not have to put up that facade, but as a general rule when interacting with people every day, that facade remains intact. With college, you get to see people at their most unpleasant, miserable selves, and then, after that, if you can say, "I still like and value this person" then I think you've got something a little more than the typical high school relationship.

I'm not some kind of social scientist here. Just my observations. I've always played the observer in these sort of cases, because I always felt somewhat on the outside. I've always felt older for some reason when around people my own age, and I could never figure out why. I'm not particularly in love with human nature either, but it's interesting to watch what people do and how they react to things. I wrote a poem once with the theme of "when we're looking for someone to love we're really just looking for ourselves". I really believe that, sometimes.

music: various mp3s from Koba
food: greasy mozzarella sticks
read: something important, i'm sure
sight: my 2d project, which took in excess of 8 hours *sigh*
random: i am now a prog rock nerd
Song Lyric:
I repeat myself when under stress
- Indiscipline, King Crimson