connections

September 5. 1999

I've always been the first to say that the idea of friends was overrated. I think this mostly comes from the fact that, up until recently, throughout my grade school years, I didn't have too many friends. Sure, I had a lot acquaintances. A lot of really cool people I'd hang out with, and have a really good time. But as for people that I really connected with, really had a bond with...I can count them on one hand. But I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be. Quality not quantity, right?

It seems to me when people meet, and get to know each other, there's always some middle ground to be covered, a space to be filled. And then, once in a great while, you meet a person, and that space isn't there. There's no explaining needed about why you act the way you do, what you like or the person you are. They just accept you for who are. I know that, throughout my life, I spent (wasted?) energy and time trying to become a person who I thought people would like. I even went so far as to do this with people I called my best friends. I didn't even occur to me that I should stop pretending and just be me, and maybe, just maybe, that person would be interesting enough to be friends with. It sounds like such an elementary concept, but it just sort of occurred to me in the last few weeks.

I met such a person this past week at Tyler. We started talking, discovered we had a lot in common, in fact, so much that it was scary. And I found myself telling her things that I didn't tell people I had known for years, after knowing her for only a few days. It's hard to explain the connection we have, but it was just total, complete and immediate. We understood each other right away, and for someone like me who has never experienced that with anyone, it was just amazing. There was no explaining myself, we just accepted each other. After a lifetime of trying to prove myself to people for whatever reason, it was like a breath of fresh air.

She has the same sort of problems that I have when it comes to self-esteem, boys and other sensitive subjects. So I think we sort of help each other out. I told her that if I was guy, I'd be all over her, because I think she's great. I don't know if she really liked that, but whatever. She rocks. I can honestly say that, at this point, I think we're going to be friends for a really long time. It amazes me that I feel this close to someone that I didn't even really know a week ago.

Anyway, she's back home in Cinnaminson, NJ, this weekend, scraping shit at a dog kennel. Have fun, hon. :)

music:Liz Phair, Whitechocolatespaceegg
food: assorted hard candy which i wasn't supposed to eat
read: the sunday paper
random: my nose itches. that means i'm going to get in a fight ;)