the night before the rest of my life

December 24. 2000

this is a test:


a somewhat half-assed preview of a hejira to come.



(back in Lebanon)

Strangely enough, everyone in my family has decided to go to church except me. I was given a choice to go, and chose no. I seemed to have reached the point in my age and maturity where I can no longer be forced to go to church, on Christmas or anything other time, and for that I'm grateful. It would've felt weird to haul my amorphous belief system into a Catholic Church and plop myself down and listen to Mass. So I'm not.

Instead I sit here, the TV, several cans of Coke, a million burning candles and an ill-mannered cat to keep me company, and I am quite happy. My family feels strangely fragmented whenever I'm here. My sister is never home, and when she is, she's a self-centered bitch who is extremely unpleasant to be around. I think my parents look forward to her being away, whether it's at work or with friends or with her monosyllabic boyfriend. I also think my parents are secretly looking forward to two years hence when they finally have a true empty nest, when both my sister and I have left for college.

Yesterday John came down to Philly, and we had a rather sedate but extremely enjoyable day and evening having a nice meal at a pizzeria in Jenkintown and then watching videos. This time it was eXistenZ and McCabe and Mrs. Miller. John is very into movies and extremely intense about them, whereas I am...not. I mean, I go to movies, but I'm not passionate about them like he is. My father and I frequently go to movies together, and whenever we do, we talk back and forth nearly the whole time, trying to outdo each other with wiseass remarks. Whenever I watch a movie with John, I have to restrain myself from asking questions and making comments, and just let the movie unfold. I shift, I get bored, I change positions often, while he sits thoughtfully, chin in hand, peering over his reading glasses as he watches, brow furrowed. We're pretty different when it comes to movies.

Tonight at B&N I got Ænima by Tool. My first Tool album, yay yay yay. It was between that and Faith and Courage by Sinead O'Connor, and I felt the need for something to rip my ear drums out a little more than Sinead could manage. I haven't listened to it yet that much, but it has "Eulogy" which is a song I downloaded a couple months ago and loved.

Well, I guess that's about it. The fire is crackling, the TV is glowing warmly and the snow from Tuesday is still on the ground. The drive home and across Lebanon was quiet and dark, as I passed a church, I remembered that something magic was supposed to happen tonight, and I remember when I actually believed that. Now at least I know all the love and magic you possess you have to make yourself, for better or worse.

One Year Ago:
"On Monday, I finally met up with some of my friends from high school, and we hung out at a local coffeehouse, chewed the fat and listened to some chick butcher Joni's "A Case of You" for open mic night."