Hejira

do, don't think

february 10. 2000

drawing by me...hmmmMany people have said it to me throughout most of my life: "You are your own worst enemy." And I wholeheartedly agree. The way I think, the things I do, are ultimately self-defeating.

I guess the reason I'm writing this now is because I'm suddenly becoming aware of the way I sabotage myself in so many ways, over and over again. Since my breakdown/ panic attack/whatever you want to call it on the friday before last, I've begun to recognize just how I make myself so miserable, and how to try to avoid it in the future.

I think my main problem is I overthink things a lot. It starts with one small thing, a small problem, not too significant. Then I either obsess about this problem, which leads to me making what was a very easily solved problem into an insurmountable task. Or I can ignore it entirely, go through my usual procrastination routine, in which case the small problem becomes a very large problem because of the neglect, and then I find myself screwed anyway. In the case of last Friday's crisis, it all started when I realized that I was going to spend another Friday night alone and by myself, and then I started thinking about how I don't have any friends, and then I started thinking about how I can't seem to have relationships of any kind without fucking them up, and so on, and so on. This line of thought follows no logic, as you can see.

So now I've found the only way to cope with these tendencies is to tell my brain to just shut the hell up. Do, don't think. Do, don't think. That's been my mantra for the past few weeks, and for the most part, it's worked. Problem? Task? Assignment? Do it now, don't think about it, don't put it off, because you'll go fucking crazy. It's almost as if I have to trick myself into not driving myself nuts. I feel almost bad about this, like I'm somehow deceiving myself. This kind of mental shut down also scares me in a way, but if it's what works now, then hell, I'm going with it.

Went to the doctor today. I have swollen glands or something like that, and she says I have to stay home today and tomorrow. Which I don't have a problem with really, because I'm so tired and I really can't do much else besides type on the computer, read and sleep. The slightest things just take so much energy out of me. I still feel hot every now and then, even though my temperature was taken twice and it's normal. It doesn't help that the dorm has no ventilation to speak of, so it's uncomfortably hot no matter what season.