liquefied

January 10. 2000

I would love useless, meaningless days, except for the fact that I reside in a reality that if I am not doing something useful and productive at all times, I feel horribly guilty and mad at myself. Today was one of those days. I got up late, did nothing of any importance, and now in early evening I am faced with another wasted day.

I came to the realization a few hours ago that I have not consumed solid food today. Had a delicious banana and blueberry smoothie for breakfast, instant tomato soup for lunch (which is delicious, and will most likely be a staple of my diet once I get back to school), and canned chicken noodle soup for dinner, because the pork chops everyone else was having for dinner I found somewhat disgusting.

Meanwhile, my dad continues to keep me on my toes on in all sorts of ways. Yesterday he, mom and I were taking down the Christmas tree (we usually leave it up through Russian Orthodox Christmas, which is January 6) and he asked me, "So, Bethany, if you're going to have your own apartment next year at school, where are you going to spend Christmas?" This was followed by a rather shocked and puzzled silence from me. "Um....here?" "Oh, well, I thought since you would have your own place you wouldn't want to come back here." More internal panic ensued. "Dad...I'm planning to spend Christmas here until I get married or find a life partner or move to another continent." "Oh, okay." A conversation with Mom a couple hours later ensured me that my father was indeed a nut. But geez...is he that quick to try to get rid of me? Yikes. I remember me and my parents spending Christmas at my grandparents' house until I was at least 5 or 6. I can't imagine being anywhere BUT home.

And today he comes home, I am sitting at the computer, he grabs me and hugs me and says, "I just wanted to say I love you. I don't think I tell you that enough." Once again, I responded with a bit of confusion. I honestly don't know what to think when he levies this at me. This is the same guy who can tell me he loves me, and then 10 seconds later, is screaming at me for whatever reason. arrgh.

I thought more about the whole transferring deal, and hashed through some more of it with my mom. My dad still doesn't know anything about it. The bottom line is, outside disliking the location of my school and the people in it, is that I just can't take the courses I want to. Especially music courses. That's really something I don't want to give up, because I feel I'm just starting to stumble onto something really great stuff with my musical abilities and composing my own music. I don't want to let my voice and piano skills get out of practice. I REALLY don't. I know I keep repeating this over and over again, but it's starting to become so important to me all of a sudden, and I don't know why. But it's something that I know I'll regret not pursuing.

music: Classical music on WITF
food: pepsi
read: newsweeks
sight: my new trackball mouse
song lyric:
classical music doesn't have words. duh