really deep thoughts on vacation

January 16. 2000

thinking again...I can't believe it's already over. Was it a whole month ago that I was bouncing off the walls in anticipation of so much time off? It went so quickly. On December 15, at 2:00 pm, all things were possible. I had a month spread before, and I could spend it in pretty much any fashion I wished. Then Christmas came, and then New Year's, and then my trip to NYC, and the possibilities narrowed more and more until all the was left was the night before, with none of my things packed and so many loose ends to tie up before I went back to school.

I think what it comes down to is that I am pretty horrible at adjustments. To me, life at school and life at home are two incredibly different things. During the last semester, I've honestly felt at times that I've been living some sort of double life. It's hard to try to reconcile the two, and I'm wondering if I even should try. Maybe it's just best to keep them separate, because I could see it getting potentially messy if they ever collided.

Of course, I had grand plans for vacation, artistic and otherwise, that fell by the wayside in favor of sleep, sloth and laziness. While vacation was relaxing, it was by no means productive. I had intentions of working off the roughly 10 pounds I've gained since August, but that never happened. I had intentions of doing all sorts of elaborate Christmas presents, which never really panned out. There were friends and people I wanted to catch up with, but due to a variety of circumstances, I never got around to see them. But I don't feel too enormously guilty about any of it. I often alternate between feeling that I'm not doing enough, and feeling that I'm overextending myself, that I should sit back and relax and let everything take care of itself. That disturbing duality again.

While I was home, for the first time ever, I actually had a social life. This may not sound too amazing to the average person out there, but to me, who spent the majority of her high school years fervently working on art to make up for the fact that she had no friends and made no attempt to make any, it was a welcome change. I think I've finally gotten the hang of some basic social graces in order to have and keep friends. I'm continually amazed at just how hard it is to interact with people. The subtle nuances. Reading a gesture, a look, a tone of voice. I'm not particularly adept at it. I still manage to commit more than my share of social gaffes, i.e., saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, but I think I am getting better.

I guess what weighs on my mind the most now is this whole transferring schools idea. I'm trying to figure out now just where I got the idea, and more importantly, is it practical. I still need to give it a lot of thought, and also a lot of action. I'm determined not to screw up again with the college application process like I did last year at this time. I procrastinated, didn't apply for too many scholarships, and my portfolio was not the best it could be. I really don't want that to happen again. I'm going to take charge of this myself, because I don't think my parents (especially my father) are too thrilled at the idea of me transferring schools.

So it's pretty much up to me, in other words.

music: George Gershwin, The Piano Rolls, Volume 2
food: leftover Japanese food
read: The Last Battle, Book 7 of the Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis
sight: mess
song lyric:
it's so heavy when you're holding up the ceiling
ain't it lighter when you let the thing fall
ain't it better having something to believe in
and ain't it heaven when you're never holding back at all
- So Heavy, Susan Werner