moments of weakness

January 20. 2000

blurryGo to this entry if you want to know how I feel right now. This entry was made almost four months ago. My life tends to go in ridiculous cycles, I can only suppose that this is one of them.

With the realization that transferring is, for all intents and purposes, no longer an option, and also coming to grips with the fact that I am indeed going to spend the next 3 and a half years at Tyler, I have slipped into a deep funk. It doesn't help things much that I have gotten into the habit of sequestering myself in my room from about 6 or 7 at night until I go to bed at around 1 or 2 in the morning. No, not a good thing when you're feeling low. I should be around people when I'm feeling like this, but the ones in my vinicity don't seem to like me. So I ended up talking the ear off of my friend John on the phone, unloading my problems and griping about pretty much everything in my life right now. As my mother pointed out, I make a fine art out of feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, classes continue on, and I'm feeling somewhat better about them than the general situation of my life. I had my first 3d design class today, which looks like it's going to an amazing, awesome class. Daniella, the prof, seems really cool, with that kind of aging hippy thing going on with her frizzy hair held back by a half dozen clips and small glasses delicately perched on her nose. She wasted no time and gave us our first assignment, with prelimnary sketches due for tomorrow. We have to make a clock. It's particularly exciting when you consider the materials available to work with. We are in the metals shop, which means, of course, we have metal to work with, but also any number of other things, like acrylic, plastic, wood, glass, even found objects...the possibilites are endless. I can't wait to really get into it. I did some sketches tonight that I'm less than pleased with, because I really didn't get any ideas that I liked, but the wheels are still spinning on that one. I can't wait to hear Daniella's input tomorrow.

Of course, the pychological implications of this assignments are perfectly suited for a tortured little soul like me. Time...mortality...aging...wow. What a can of worms this may open. I spoke here before about my unsuccessful attempts to freeze time and try to preserve the moment, and of course, the concept of a Hejira, a journey through time, is also fascinating to me.

You know, it's times like these I wonder why the hell I want to leave Tyler in the first place.

I also had my first drawing class today, with the venerable Chuck, the head of the drawing and painting department. He's a bit of legend here, and I feel really lucky to have him because I've heard many good things about him. We got right now to drawing. He's a very effective teacher, and successfully calmed me down when I got frustrated about the proportion of the figure I was drawing. He seems very no nonsense, and I can tell this is going to be a much harder drawing class than Sarah's class last semester.

On an interesting side note, our model today was blind. Which is not of major consequence, but I thought it interesting. I guess that removes all worry of people staring at you.

Today was the first signifcant snowfall of the season, of the year, of the millienium! It was snowing when I woke up, and still is snowing lightly now. Although it didn't get any classes cancelled, the four or five inches on the ground and trees looks absolutely beautiful. It's going to stick around, too, because the temperature are supposed to stay well below freezing until sunday, when we're going to get some more snow. Ahh. Winter is here.

music: making mixed tapes for John B.
food: trying to resist eating that hershey bar
on my shelf...not...working...
read: John's manuscript (really)
sight: let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
song lyric:
blaming the big machine / cursing in riddles / frightened and little / standing in my own way
-Susan Werner, Standing in My Own Way