ambiguous boys

January 23. 2000

ambiguous girlToday, to stave off the brain cell killing boredom that is Elkins Park, I decided to go to Temple's Main Campus to visit my friend and fellow Govie, Jason. Since I still haven't learned the bus and subway system enough to trust myself alone on it, I decided to take the train down to main. This would not have been a problem except it's a good mile to the train station from Tyler and it also happened to be subzero temperatures outside. Since the van service doesn't start til next week, and I couldn't find anyone with a car willing to drive me, I had to walk. On went two pairs of pants, two shirts and a coat, scarf and gloves. I desired to arrive intact at main. Listening to Chromakey while walking to the station certainly helped make the cold a little more bearable.

Jason has a cd burner, so I brought along some Tori boots for him to copy. I also had a couple blank cds sitting around, and after browsing his cd collection, chose "Monk's Greatest Hits" and "OK Computer". I felt it was high time for me to be baptized into Radiohead, considering all the rabid fans around me. Sad though because Sarabeth was a huge Radiohead fan, and I can't listen to them, or look at fairies, or eat hummus in the cafeteria without thinking of her. *sigh*

The first thing Jason and I did was go down to eat the amazing, awesome cafeteria at Johnson and Hardwick (his dorm). After putting up with the substandard shit that passes for food at Tyler, the food at main was a dream come true. The pizza, divine. The fries, not soggy. The salad, fresh. It was quite a change. There's also a small convienence store next to the cafeteria at which I bought, and consumed in its entirety, a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Arrgh. Heath Bar Crunch, take me away...

So now onto ambiguous boys. The one in question is Jason, of course. I'm rather puzzled by our relationship at the moment. I never thought it would be possible for me to have a platonic friendship with a guy I would otherwise consider, well, gorgeous, yet here I am. It's weird, because this has never happened to me before. I am just not attracted to him in the least. He's nice, he's sweet, he's great to be around, but I just have no desire to persue a romantic relationship with him.

You have to understand my history with the opposite sex to appreciate the anomaly of this relationship. I was one of those desperate girls who, in high school and earlier, would become friends with a guy. Then I would assume, because he was paying attention to me, he must be interested in persuing a romantic relationship with me, whether I was attracted to him or not. The result is that I've ruined many friendships with guys. My best friend John was nearly a casualty of this, but he managed to hold me at arm's length until I got over him, and we're still good friends at this point.

So since then, I've obviously gotten a bit wiser, and certainly gained a lot of confidence (although I could definitely use more, as always). I realize now that I shouldn't just jump for my first option, that I'm better than that,and I should hunt around until I find what I want. In every relationship I've had, I've been settling. And I really don't want to ever do that again, because, in a way, it's detrimental to my own well being...like I think I don't deserve any better.

Part of what I hated about romantic relationships is playing the whole game, the flirting, the asking "Does s/he like me?" of mutual friends, the general beating around the bush. I hate it still, but I realize that part of it is necessary if I want to get anything back. I still refuse to flirt, because it makes me vulnerable and I usually feel like an idiot doing it anyway. I'm not one to pine away endlessly wondering "if he likes me", either. Believe me, I had my share of pining in middle and high school. Days, weeks, months, even YEARS of pining. I don't plan on going back to that anytime. Like I said, I'm still lacking a lot in the confidence department, but I'm more apt to go up to the object of my interest / affection / lust and say hey.

So I don't plan on making a move on Jason anytime soon. I just want to sit back and enjoy what I have now, which is something I rarely do to begin with.

music: Dar Williams, The Honesty Room
food: ass brownie from the cafe
read: John B's manuscript (page 60)
sight: still no roommate
song lyric:
I build my peace through strength, that's
the best weapon you've got
-The Great Unknown, Dar Williams