July 19. 2000

I took a day off yesterday from work. My reason was a doctor's appointment, but since that lasted for only a half an hour, it was little more than an excuse anyway. I just sorely needed a day off after having to work Saturday.

I sat on the couch, drank coke, rotted my brain on MTV and felt only slightly bad about it. I schmoozed around on the internet, contemplated a project involving drawing dead roses, but all I got done of that was get all of my vases of dead roses downstairs to the studio and reorganize and count my colored pencils. Sometimes starting on an idea just feels to insurmountable, and I end up doing nothing, as a result. It's really a constant war with myself, to make myself do the things I know I should be doing. Usually a third party has to intervene and kick my ass into gear.

Like right now. I have so many fragments of ideas and thoughts that I want to write about, but that's all they remain, just fragments. So I guess I'll try to make the fragments as interesting as possible.

Fragment #1:
I am absolutely dying over the new iMacs that were unveiled by Apple today. I mean, oh my god, a WHITE IMAC? What is someone normally so asthetically-minded like me doing with a goddamn beige box PC? I want a Snow iMac. Or maybe Ruby. I am fond of Graphite, as well. I'm so glad they decided to come out with these more muted colors, because the brighter ones just weren't to my liking as much. But oh...if I got a white iMac. That would justify me having do my entire apartment in some sort of Crate & Barrel chic.

Fragment #2:
One good thing coming out of my day-long marathon of MTV yesterday was discovering the new Sinead O'Connor song, "No Man's Woman". I was sitting typing at the computer when it caught my ear. I didn't even recognize who she was in the video (she wears a long wig and a wedding dress in the first part of it) until the end. I downloaded the song, and I think I may have to get her album.

Fragment #3:
I also must get the soundtrack to "Run Lola Run" (good workout music) and from "Gladiator" (Lisa Gerrard, so that's a no brainer).

Fragment #4:
Weird story of how I discovered Lisa Gerrard: I was looking through the mp3 files I had downloaded, and I noticed an unfamiliar song, something by Pieter Bourke and Lisa Gerrard. I don't remember downloading it, and I had never heard anything by them. But I loved it, so there you go. Maybe it was a gift from the music gods.

Fragment #5:
I've been listening to "Turbulent Indigo" by Joni Mitchell as going to sleep music for about the last three weeks straight.

Fragment #6:
I've been having really weird dreams lately. Weird for me, at least. One involving me holding the leashes of a pack of bloodhounds, searching for someone (I don't remember who). We were in some sort of mall, and I went through all these different stores. One was filled entirely with glass, and I was so afraid the dogs would break it all, but they didn't. Another was filled with candles. The last one was filled with all my pottery. All I remember about that is that there were a lots of dragons on the pottery, which is a theme I use occasionally.

I've finally noticed a reoccurring theme in my dreams, though. I'm always searching for something or someone. There's always this feeling of being dissatisfied, discontented or worried, with very few exceptions. Sometimes I wake up and that worry is still with me, I sit in bed and can't articulate why I'm so anxious. I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed loved ones have gotten hurt or died. I never have good dreams. The last good dream I remember was two summers ago, at PGSA. I dreamed I was in love.