Hejira
this disturbing duplicity
June 5. 2000

The emotional catharsis I have been experiencing in the last 36 hours or so began when I decided to take issue with something a certain journaler said in her journal. The way she chooses to present herself, both in her journal and on the mailing list we're both on, really rubs me the wrong way. I've gotten into arguments with her before, over completely stupid things. So I emailed her, and one thing led to another, and we were once again embroiled in a ridiculous flame war.

I'm really not good at flame wars. Though I defend myself with great bravado, it doesn't mean much because anytime someone attacks me personally, I crumble imwardly. I spent all day today at work obsessing over what I was going to say to her, how I was going to beat her down with my opinions and how she was obviously wrong and stupid. But when all was said and done and I ended the flame war with a simple "fuck you" (I'm paraphrasing there), I realized something.

I am one sick motherfucker.

Go reread the above and then tell me how sick it is. I picked a fight, basically. I emailed her with intention of hurting her (if it worked or not, I'll never know).

This mini crisis was also preciptated by reading this entry by Tess. Down at the bottom of the page is a link to a pledge for non violence. I read through the pledge and with a strange feeling realized there was no way I could sign this, being the person I currently am.

If someone asked me, I would tell them I'm a pacifist by nature. And tonight I finally figured out that that isn't the case at all. I am an extremely violent person, in both word and action, and I hate that. It's really stupid, because I claim to be the hands off, live and let live type of person. But it isn't true at all. I hate, and I want to hurt. Hurt what, I don't know. I don't know where all this anger comes from.

I really thought I had things figured out here, people. I thought I was past this "I hate myself, so therefore I will hate everyone and everything around me" stage. I thought I was different from the person who graduated from high school last year. I thought I had changed, for the better. But now one set of problems is solved, another set crops up.

I don't even know how to begin to change myself. The way I act is already pretty well ingrained into who I am. All I know is that I hate the person I am now, and something has to give. During a phone call last night, I said that I am a constant war. I can never relax, always on my guard. Instead of looking at a person and thinking "What can I gain from them and what parts of myself can I offer to them?", I think "How is this person threatening me and how can I protect myself from them?" Attack. Attack attack attack, and hope it makes me feel better. Only it never does.

I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I knew how to fix myself.

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