and why is this my fault?

march 10. 2000

don't even ask...I feel raw. I had a bad allergy attack late in the day, and now my entire respiratory system feels torn up and wrecked. I was sneezing so hard that my chest and hands were aching, which is never a good sign.

I had, in retrospect, just a horrible day. It actually didn't start out horrible. After Paul left midday, I had lunch with John, Sarah (another high school friend) and John's mother. The reason for this gathering was so that I could give John's mother a piece of pottery that she had bought from me. It was a nice little perk, the most expensive piece I've ever sold, for $150. So yeah, that was the highlight of my day, since I've been short of money as of late and I have to buy a shitload of acrylic plastic this week for various projects.

I had gotten money out of atm for lunch, and I had noticed that my balance was off by about $150. I wasn't too worried, sometimes atm receipts are off, whatever. No big deal. I go into the bank after lunch to deposit the money from John's mother, and ask for my savings statement. I recognized all the transactions except one, made on Tuesday, withdrawing $140. I knew I had not done that. I asked to see the slip, it was faxed over from the main branch. I looked at the fax, withdrawing $140 from my account. In my father's handwriting. A rather poor copy of my signature. In my father's handwriting. Then it dawned on me. My father had forged my signature, and taken money out of my savings account without my permission.

I drove home boiling mad, with the sinking feeling that he was going to somehow turn all this around and blame it on me. Which he did. He said he had to withdraw money out of my account himself because he couldn't find my bankbook. Of course he couldn't, I keep it in my wallet. But he didn't even ask me if I could fill it out myself. Or at least ask me if it was okay for him to do this. I don't have a problem paying him money. I owed him the money. But he FORGED my signature. Last time I checked, that was illegal, folks. I commented to my mother that if I had done this to him, my ass would have been fried. But now I have to be okay with an "I'm sorry" from him. This is not okay.

He has been fucking with my things, my life, my money for way too long. I am 19 years old. This makes me a legal adult, last time I checked. But he is constantly overstepping his bounds. This is only the latest, and worst, example. He has come close to trying to finish some of my art projects at some points. I don't know why he does this, is it because he think I'm not capable? Is it because he wants to make himself feel big by making me inferior? How should I know? All I know is that what he did was wrong. I don't know what I want for retribution...maybe a promise not to do it again, but the reality of that happening is nil.

I'm tired of it, I'm sick of it. I want out, now. I don't want to be tied to either of my parents financially anymore, because I know as long as that's the case, my father will use it against me. He's wonderful at blackmailing me into submission by using money. Which is why I knew getting mad at him for this was a useless exercise, because I know he would say, "oh yeah? well, then you can't have this and I'm not paying for this and you're going to have to fend for yourself." I'm stuck here, at least for another 4 or 5 years.