who the hell am I
May 5. 2000

I was sitting at the computer this evening, schmoozing around the web, talking on IM, when my grandmother called. Since the phone was right next to the computer, I picked it up. We chatted for a few minutes about school and such before she quickly asked to speak to my mother. She sounded...off. A little strained. A little panicked.

I handed the phone off to my mother, and once again became absorbed with the world wide web, until two words spoken by my mother poked their way through my distracted mind: "It's malignant." They were said as if she was trying to comprehend this fact.

The biopsy. The results came back today.

I remember my mother saying to me earlier in the week that they had found a lump, and my grandmother was going in for a biopsy that week. The results were supposed to be in on Friday.

After she got off the phone, Dad and I gathered around my mother. The cancer was in her left breast, it was malignant, but hadn't spread to the lymph nodes, which was good. They were recommending a masectomy, but hopefully without radiation or chemo.

At my mother's insistence, Dad and I went to the movie we had planned on seeing. We drove there, talking about everything but that. The movie was "Gladiator", which I enjoyed immensely. Russell Crowe is so hot. But during the first few minutes of the film, guilt gnawed at the edge of my mind. Here I was, watching a movie, and my grandmother has cancer.

I found myself worrying about a dozen little things at once. I have such a huge mess to clean up, both in my room and in the basement studio. I still have no job prospects for the summer. I don't know how I'm going to pay for a car and get a digital camera this summer. My grandmother has cancer. Who the fuck am I to even worry about such stupid, insignificant shit.

hi again. miss me?my best Princess Leia impressioni try to be cute. usually am not.

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all writings, (c) 1999-2000, BRR