some stablization would be nice
October 10. 2000
But not dumb:
Gone blonde again.
My metals project is coming along rather well. I got to class early this morning, and sat down and continued the mincing, frustrating process of making chain mail out of titanium. I had only a small piece done when Daniella passed by me and said, "Is that all you've done? Work harder", she said dismissively with her usual maddeningly restrained laugh and condescending smile that she obviously thought would neutralize any criticisms she dished out. I looked at her in disbelief. "I was sick last week..." I trailed off when I realized she wasn't listening and had already walked away.
This little incident immediately put me in a bad mood in regards to the chain mail, and as class continued I became more and more convinced that I would never finish this assignment on time, would have to hand it in late, and bid goodbye to my dream of a 4.0 GPA. But it really was okay, in the end. I was able to get the majority of the assignment done today, in the end. So all that worry for nothing, as usual.
I'm pretty flightly when it comes to the opinion of my own work. One minute I hate it, the next I think it's okay, and the next I'm sure it'll be the next Rodin. This attitude pretty much extends to all areas of my life. One moment I am perfectly happy and balanced and all is right with the world, then a small thing (like misplacing a CD or something like that) will disrupt my good mood, and it'll slowly spiral downward as my mood becomes blacker and blacker and I will wallow in those depths until something pulls me out of it.
My life just feels all over the place lately. Thoughts and feelings I can't string together coherently. I'd like to tie everything together neatly with an all-encompassing theme like I usually do. But I can't, this time.
I feel bad for the people who read this journal, sometimes. The way the entries veer from ponderous to unrestrained elation to abject despair must leave you wondering. You don't get the backstory, you don't get to know what makes me feel a certain way when I sit down and type out an entry. This site is not me. This is not the whole story. These are only the parts of me I select for you to see. How I got from writing a semi-humorous entry on visiting colleges three days ago to this entry full of worry and angst is something you'll never know. And that's probably a good thing. I never intended this journal to be a continuous narrative, instead, it's just a series of diverse snapshots.
School. Work. Family. Love. Relax. Art. Web. I am only 19 years old. I am still a teenager, as much as typing that word makes me cringe. I feel like an inexperienced child with a tenous hold on the adult world. I feel like I'm masquerading as someone I'm not. I took on all of this, living alone and paying for it, balancing work and school, quite certain I could handle all of it.
I'm feeling really verbose tonight. There is so much I want to write about, a thousand little incidents and thoughts I want to record here. Like I said, I feel all over the place, and there's no easy solution.
One Year Ago:
all writings, (c) 1999-2000, BRR