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Sunday 16 December 2001.

new york is cold

four in the morning
end of December
i'm writing you now
to see if you're better
new york is cold
i like where i'm living
there's music on Clinton street
all through the evening

I wrote this to John in a letter:

i was looking through all the pictures from my visit from last new years, when i came up early because of the snow storm and spent the day hanging around with koba and dani. it made me miss new york, because the new york in those pictures is just gone. the innocence is gone. id give anything to go back to that beautiful snowy day. Id give anything to just go up on top of the WTC and look down, just once, again. how many times was i killing time during the day in lower manhattan, waiting for you, and more than once i thought about going up in the top of it again. i wish i had. i wish i had known.

Tomorrow, finally, John is going back to 250 Vesey, where he hasn't been since September 11th. I'm eager to hear how it will be. The subways in the area are all still shut down, the 1/9 to South Ferry til god knows when, and the E train, ending right under the Trade Center, is destroyed completely. So he'll be taking some sort of shuttle bus, I imagine.

He gives me updates on how things are going on "Ground Zero". He can see it from the cafeteria, after all.

I've said it to so many people in the past few months. I've been there, within a block, I've seen it, I've stared at the books about it at work dozens upon dozens of times, and I still can't believe it's real. I don't know why this is. I suppose it's the same part of me that watches an action movie and knows that the things getting blown up, the people dying on the screen aren't real. It's a movie and when it's over I can get up out of my seat and leave it behind. I keep hoping I can do that, leave it behind.

...

Thanks for being patient. It feels good to write again. This little hiatus has convinced me yet again that this journal will continue into perpetuity, because I am hopefully and shamefully addicted to it. A whole redesign is in the works. You can now find the latest entry here at this page.