why do you come here
when you know i've got troubles
why do you call me
when you know
i can't answer the phone
make me lie
when i don't want to
and make someone else
some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay
when i should not
are you so strong
or is all the weakness in me

joan armatrading

self portrait yesterday

Friday February 2. 2001

dreaming in blue

I had a number of really odd dreams overnight that, when I woke up, I immediately sat down and wrote them out in an email to John so I wouldn't forget them.

1. I was on the Brooklyn Bridge (I've never actually been on the Brooklyn Bridge) with my digital camera, only I was over the Delaware river, looking out at Philadelphia. I had my digital camera with me, and then I noticed one of those news choppers that takes live pictures of the city, and they were filming the bridge, and there I was on TV (I could see this because the LCD on my camera was suddenly a TV set). I waved hi and then continued walking. I passed a subway stop (a subway stop on a bridge?). One of the trains that stopped there was the U train (there is no U train in NYC).

2. I was at home in Lebanon, and I was bored, so I decided to go see John. My parents told me I couldn't go, but I left anyway, and as I was walking out into the garage there was a cat there (not Charcoal, though he usually resides there) with brilliant shining blue eyes. I drove to his house, (which was also blue) and as I was getting out of the car, I woke up.

(this is funny because I dreamt John had a house [he lives in an apartment] and that he lived around the block from me)

3. I was with Mark (the cafe manager at B&N), and we were walking in a mall or something. We stopped at a kiosk and he bought me a gold colored kerchief to wear over my hair when it got messy (somthing I've actually been needing for a while).

4. I was in some sort of old fashioned mall with hardwood floors, and I was going to see John. I met this girl on the way that I had been acquainted with last year, Rachel (different from the Rachel I mentioned in my entry a couple days ago), who was rather annoying and talking incessantly as I was walking to John's store (apparently John had a store in this mall), I finally came to the store and bid Rachel goodbye. John had some sort of pastry store, and there was cake with bright blue icing in the case. We said hello and kissed and then I woke up.

5. Various snippets about working in the metals studio.

The most interesting part of this series of dreams is the repetition of blue. And it's always one particular shade of blue, a medium dark blue, but not royal blue, blue with a little bit of green in it. Like #336699. That's almost the exact same color as my room at home in Lebanon is painted.

I also have to point out my neverending dream frustration - just as I am about to have sex, I wake up. Happens without fail.

I kind of wish I could have dreams that had some length. I am quite jealous of the way Koba dreams - some of his dreams go on for pages, and are usually way more interesting than mine are. Maybe my dreams are a reflection of my hideously boring life.

I did get killed a couple times in my dreams. I remember once, when I was much younger (3rd or 4th grade) I dreamt that I was gassed to death in a Nazi concentration camp. I guess this was during my obsession and intense reading about the Holocaust. I also remember being killed (how I don't remember), but after I was dead, it was very peaceful.

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One Year Ago:
"She has a charming Scottish accent, which I still have trouble understanding at times, so I end up saying "What?" to her a lot. She has a liking for coffee and red wine, and smokes Benson and Hedges 100s, which she calls fags."