Wednesday January 31. 2001

an on display collab : recipes

Recipes for a Bachelorette

So you're on your own for the first time. You have your own place, you have your own bills to pay, and you have to make your own food. No more meals magically conjured up by mommy and no more traipsing down to the dorm cafeteria for a late night deep fried snack bathed in grease. No, you will have to roll up your sleeves and put your nose to the grindstone and whip up a meal all by yourself.

First stop is the grocery store. Grab that cart like you know what you're doing. It's your first time, so bag lots of fruit and salad and at least try to maintain a somewhat healthy diet. Sure, treat yourself to that frozen pizza, Lean Cuisines and Wild Cherry Pepsi. You have a lot of work ahead of you.

The easiest and most foolproof meal for burgeoning bachelorette is spagetti. You boil the water, cook the pasta, and let the sauce and meatballs simmer. Then sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Don't worry about the dishes in the sink, you can get to them tomorrow. Though it's an easy fix, spagetti holds a trap: after having it for 5 or 6 days straight, you start to get sick of it.

Never fear, intrepid bachelorette. You have many options available to you in this modern day and age. Those of the bagged variety are also frequently delicious. Bagged salads, bagged french fries, bagged chicken nuggets, bagged pasta. A large capacity freezer is a plus, as you can buy all of these in bulk and live off them for weeks and months to come. As you are grilling your delicious but preservative-laden food, you notice the dirty dishes in the sink are changing colors. On closer inspection, there is mold growing on your dirty dishes. Ah, but for the convenience of a dishwasher. But you press on, and eat your meal, leaving the dirty skillet sitting on the stove to harden and congeal.

Several days later, disgusted by the site of the sink and stove, yet too lazy to do anything about it, you move on to that other useful tool of a bachelorette: the microwave. Yes, the microwave can defrost and reheat anything to a warm and soggy state. It's time to break out those aforementioned Lean Cuisines. Lean Cuisines are so lean, though...oh, have two of them, you deserve it. That's it, just mix the Fetticine Alfredo and Shrimp with Angelhair Pasta together. It all tastes the same, in the end.

You often forget there's food in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. So distracted are you by instant meals that you often forget that your mother brought you apples and oranges and grapefruits several months ago. You are confronted by their rotting carcasses, and are overwhelmed with guilt for not eating better.

A couple months into your career as an independent bachelorette, the kitchen is in a disgusting state. The only place unmarred in the kitchen is the toaster oven, so you live on toasted fluffernutter for about a week, until you dry heave at the thought of them.

You're short on money, so you keep putting off going to get groceries. You occasionally go to Rite Aid to get such staples as jelly beans and a 12 pack of Pepsi. You visit McDonalds so frequently that the drive-through staff knows you by name and your car smells permanently of Big Macs. Oh, Bachelorette, you have fallen so far from your good intentions. Tell me you didn't intend for those bananas to rot on the top of the refrigerator. And you will wipe up the blotches of spagetti sauce from the floor, won't you?

Maybe you should face it, you're never going to be much of cook. Or much of a reheater, for that matter. I really don't think that Emeril Lagasse book from Barnes and Noble is going to help, either. Perhaps if you focus on some other interests, like basket weaving, or perhaps join Oprah's book club to fill your spare time. And start looking for a boyfriend (or a roommate) who can cook. For the love of God, please.

last | index | next

One Year Ago:
"Hi, Mom and Dad, it's, I know this going to sound stupid given that Dad was just down here today to drop off the car, but uh..I'm coming home for the weekend, because there's basically nothing to do here and I'm feeling kind of depressed, so it's...7:30, I should be home a little after 9. I'll see you then."