i wanna knit you wool sweaters
with little deer all over
i wanna feed you from my kitchen
til your belt feels too tight
i wanna make love til three
and never judge my performance
on a midwestern saturday night

susan werner

Arch Street from the Convention Center's windows

Friday March 9. 2001

separation anxiety

So I didn't lose my job.

Yes, last night I sat down with Mike and Mark, and Mike gave me a little lecture and all the while Mark was nodding in the background like a fucking mute Barnes and Noble puppet. I had to read a document saying I did something wrong, and I had to sign it saying I understood it and if I ever did anything like this again I would be "separated from the company", as Mike put it. Oh, how fucking cute. I hate when people use dumb, unneccesary words to describe simple things. Axed. Canned. Fired. But "separated from the company"? It sounds like we're getting a divorce.

There's now a warning on my record of employment at Barnes and Noble. Which will probably negate my chances of ever advancing my position in the company. Boo fucking hoo, I know.

You know what I want? I want to work at a place where I matter, where I can make a difference in the business, where I am not just taking up space, where I am not a cog in a giant corporate machine, where my managers are not following inane rules handed down my their stockholders. I want to be appreciated, to be treated like a human being, not micromanaged to death. I have long since figured out that I am not made for corporate America, but for godssakes, Barnes and Noble wouldn't even be considered corporate America to some. What can I say. I hate answering to authority, I hate following rules that do not make any sense, I hate having my intelligence insulted. Maybe I should just move into a little shack in the woods and be the Unabomber.

This week has been a train wreck for me. From the stress over my job to getting my period, which left me at the mercy of the usual cramps, headaches, tiredness and lower back pain. I had such grand plans for work this week, but the paper for my women studies course remains unwritten, my waxes for silver casting remain uncarved, and I (stupidly enough) have signed up for the music inventory at Barnes and Noble from 10 pm to 5 am, Monday night into Tuesday morning. What the fuck was possessing me when I did that?

Good stuff happened, though. One was the arrival of my laptop, Blue Train, on Tuesday. She's wonderful, she's beautiful, she's fast and her screen is just gorgeous to watch movies on. Blockbuster has this DVD card that you can rent 30 DVDs in 30 days for $20. Not that I'm going to rent that many, but it's a lot cheaper than paying $3.99 for each rental. So far I've watched Erin Brockovich, Princess Mononoke, Taxi Driver, Clerks, Dogma and The Insider on it. And I also bought Joni Mitchell: Painting in Words and Music at B&N, which is just an absolutely gorgeous concert. I also found out that you can't get screen shots from DVDs. Oh well, you can't have everything.

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One Year Ago:
I can't believe it's already a year ago since I went to Centralia.