Thursday September 6. 2001

18 credits = evil

Today in Metalsmithing we had a drawing crit. I had an idea, an idea I had thought through and justified and really believed in and loved. It sucks the most when those ideas get torn to shreds. And that's exactly what happened. After they got done with me, I found myself once again facing the scary white blankness of the proverbial drawing board.

[Just so you don't think that my classmates and friends are being deliberately cruel to me, this is just how crits usually are. Everyone gets torn to shreds at some time or another. The trick is not to take it personally, and I rarely do, but this time it just stung for some reason.]

I was so miserable after that that I came right home and just moped. It was then my Mom called and I dissolved into tears. It wasn't so much that I had gotten a bad crit, it was just me coming to the realization that I could not effectively juggle six classes and work 25 hours a week without going completely insane and/or getting sick and breaking down like I did last semester. I also came to the realization that I am not going to get a double BFA in four years. I am going to be at Tyler for a full five years, and I must come to accept that. Everytime I think "five years" I think "slacker", even though I know only something like a quarter of college students actually get a bachelor's degree in four years. I can't do this to myself. I don't want to look back on these years as a time of misery and stress.

I hate being a Type A personality.

So, I have made a new rule for myself. I will not take more than 16 credits a semester, i.e., five classes. I dropped the only thing I really could, my CAD-CAM II class. I feel much better now. Better to take my time and be a little more relaxed and absorb more than to cram it together and be stressed and evil and angry and depressed and sick.

I wrote Riley an email today, and in it I said, "I can't seem to make a decision about school and how to not be miserable all the time." Well, it looks like I just did make a decision. I hope I'll be okay.

One Year Ago:
"The stress in my life always manifests itself in really strange ways. And it's not even a constant thing, it changes every so often, you know, to keep me on my toes. "

Two Years Ago:
"It seems to me when people meet, and get to know each other, there's always some middle ground to be covered, a space to be filled. And then, once in a great while, you meet a person, and that space isn't there."