reading:
Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris

listening:
From the Round Box
Ravi Coltrane

...

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Thursday 9 May 2002

mellowing

I scanned the email quickly, then saw the words "I wish I had better news for you". We interviewed many qualified candidates, but we cannot offer you a position, blah de blah de blah.

So I didn't get the position at PGSA.

Fuck.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I did. I promised I wouldn't call up my parents and my boyfriend and snuffle into the phone, but I did. I had been looking forward to this for four years. Ever since I left PGSA, I imagined what it would be like to be an ATTRA. I kept it in the back of my mind, a little gem, how it would be, what I would try to be to those kids and what I would try to teach them. I was hoping for a reprieve of the experience that changed my life. I guess that's not going to happen.

I ran the interview over and over in my mind, trying to figure out what I said wrong. What in my resume was lacking? Not enough teaching, not enough shows? I know this may sound like an ego stroke, but I really couldn't imagine anyone doing this better than me. I had been planning this for four years, and now it looks like my ass is going to spend the entire summer in the City of Brotherly Love, instead of in Erie.

Everyone is keeps saying, "this happened for a reason", and I know that's probably true, but it doesn't help me from feeling cheated. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be sitting on my butt this summer - I already have two jobs, a vacation, maybe some summer classes, and a show I want to enter due in late June, My sister is going to be in The Sound of Music at the Hershey Theatre in July, so now I can go see her. My parents' 25th anniversary is going to be in July. But I'm still pissed and still angry.

...

On a somewhat lighter note, I just finished a massively good cry while watching ER. Mark Green died. I don't think I've gotten this emotional since Bobby Simone bit the big one on NYPD Blue a few years ago. Dammit, why do they have to kill all the good characters? I was a puddle of snot from 10:30 on, mostly because Mark's relationship with his daughter reminded me so much of me and my Dad. Sob, sniffle. Dad called me today while I was at work. He had been the first one I talked to the night before after I had found out. I didn't even say hi when he picked up, just blurted out, "I didn't get it."

He called to check in on me, to see how I was doing, and by this afternoon the sharpness of disappointment was mostly gone. I glanced at the clock and figured he had stopped home for lunch. My Dad's new job (and leaving the old one) really mellowed him out a lot. A couple years ago, I couldn't imagine him calling me up in the middle of the day just to see how I was. It's kind of a nice change.

...

I'm now on the prowl for a new place for me (and two other people) to live this coming school year. Yes, after two (very broke) years living solo, I'm back to roommate modus operandi. Sara I know pretty well from doing time in the metals department, and Liz I only know in passing. I'm looking for a townhouse with three bedrooms, preferably a yard and a washer and dryer. I'm really looking forward to it. I think having people around me will actually make me be more normal, at least in terms of eating and sleeping. As Sara said to me, "It'll be very mellow, the three of us." Mellow is good. I need more mellow in my life.