the beach at Arbroath, Scotland

7 April 2004
if i can make it there

i got a card from Olive today. it was thanking me for the scarf i had sent her a few weeks before. the evolution of the scarf itself is actually a mildly interesting story: i got the yarn for it in the discount bin at Sophie's back in December, a light green Rowan cotton called Calmer (Rowan = snobby expensive British yarn), and i got about halfway through the scarf, but didn't get it done in time to give it to Olive on New Year's Day. so i showed it to her half finished, and she loved it, and so i continued to knit it until i realized that what i had wasn't going to be even close to what i needed for an average size scarf. so i tore out the entire thing and reknit it much narrower. it was the perfect size and length for her. and so it hung in my closet for about two and a half months, with the hopes that i would be able to give it to Olive in person. it never worked out, and with spring approaching, i just mailed it out to her. and so she thanked me with a little Miro notecard.

and i realized something after i finished reading that card: i need to be in New York.

the suspense of the residency thing is killing me. i'm almost afraid of what will happen now, because i think i sort of know where i want to be. it's been creeping up on me, but i've kept ignoring it. i want to be in New York City. it's as simple as that. i kept deluding myself, making excuses, i don't have enough money, etc, etc. i have to stop that. i can't be one of those people wallowing in should've and could've beens. i refuse to.

what happens if i get a residency and end up rural Maine or Houston, Texas? would i be willing to give up a residency to move to an extremely expensive city where i currently have no job and no place to live? is that stupid? is that safe? i am, however, applying for a studio assistant position at a clay studio in the Village. it's a two year position, and a pretty sweet deal: sharing a studio, with unlimited free materials and firings, in exchange for working there 15 hours a week. i'm praying i get it.

why? i want to have a relationship with my sister that consists more of phone calls. i want to get to know Olive better, i want to go have lunch with her every week and talk about art and music and her life and my life. i want to go to Koba's gigs. i want to try to have a relationship with John, as friends, which is an easy task when you're just talking on the phone, but harder when you see someone in person. most importantly, i want to say i did it. i want to say i went to New York City and survived, and even thrived. and to decide if i like it enough to stay.

i have friends. i have a support system if i need it, and Lauren and I even have discussed getting an apartment together (hell can officially freeze over now). and it's New York City, there has to be a job somewhere for a lovely, young thang like me with a BFA and lots of energy. maybe i can be all artsy-fartsy and work at some gallery in Chelsea?

i used to be good at making decisions. but lately i've started second guessing myself. all known is i don't want to live a safe life. i'm finally beginning to understand how people start compromising themselves, how they start thinking themselves into a box. how they become rigid and unchanging. i don't want to be one of those people.

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