the beach at Arbroath, Scotland

28 February 2004
do not read this

in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, have i become romance intolerant?

in my search for an original and non-lame solution for my first collab in almost three years, i looked to my fellow goddesses for inspiration. i did not want to list my charming eccentricites (i always drink too much coke. i always knit, every day. i always sleep naked) because i've done that far too many times, and besides, what i used to think were charming eccentricites i now think is just fucking weird and not all that interesting, either. i cannot write about how i will always be with John, because i am not anymore.

since we broke up, i have noticed something: anything even remotely romantic makes me want to vomit. i first noticed this a couple weeks ago when i read a twelve-part journal entry on how the author met their significant other. i found myself cringing through the whole thing, whereas before i would've thought it "sweet" and perhaps even found similarities in my relationship that i could identify with. now, well, i just don't want to hear about it. i don't want to hear how much this person is your soul mate, how you met in another life, how the stars aligned for the two of you to be together, how amazing your sex life is. it makes me ill, and i don't even know why. because that was me, you know...plastered all over this website are declarations, large and small, of my love for John.

i'm still trying to figure out what to do from here. how do you reshape your life when you thought "always" when you looked at that person. where the hell do you go from "always"? i hate always and never because they are final. dead ends, with no room for change. the only thing that applies in these categories are death and taxes.

i guess part of my revulsion is looking from the other side, the "been there, done that" factor. i don't want to hear about your happiness and squooshiness because i don't have it. and right now i feel like i never will again. yes, the "i'm going to be single for the rest of my life" syndrome has set in, and even though i know that's not a belief based in reality, i still think it, all the time. moreover, i'm trying to figure out why it even matters so much to me, because it didn't really before. i don't need a romantic relationship in my life to survive as a fully functioning, independent human being. but i guess you don't think about things when you have them. in the immortal words of Joni Mitchell, "you don't know what you got til it's gone."

for the last few weeks, i have been pretty okay with this whole thing. if i didn't think about it, i was pretty okay. but the last few days, i have been fucked up beyond all belief, perhaps even worse than when it first happened. maybe it's because our 4th anniversary was supposed to have been tomorrow. who the hell knows.

i'm almost embarassed to post this. look away. it'll be better later.

(this has been an extremely jaded Wordgoddess collab)

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