Hejira | approaching quarterlife
the beach at Arbroath, Scotland

26 January 2004
bloody

immediately before Christmas, i became obsessed with HBO's version of Angels in America. it was probably the defining moment of 2003 for me, in terms of movies. thanks to the miracle of comcast on demand, i was able to watch it repeatedly. and that's pretty intense, especially when what you're watching is a little over six hours long.

anyway, was talking to an old friend a couple days about change. specifically, changing yourself. there's one part in Angels in America where one of characters, Harper (the utterly brilliant Mary Louise Parker) starts talking to a museum diorama of a pioneer Mormon family. and she asks the woman on the covered wagon, how does god make you change? and the woman in the diorama replies something like (and i wish i had the text to quote it directly) that god takes a knife, slices you down the middle, mercilessly pulls out your intestines, stuffs them back in, and leaves you to sew yourself up.

and really, that's how it is. it's so fucking painful to force yourself to change. so hard to change your perception of yourself. look at yourself objectively: you are confident, you are talented, you have so much to offer the world. you are beautiful. you are, in fact, utterly fabulous and the whole world should realize it. you know this, but you don't feel it. in fact, there's some part of you that's still 12 or 13 or 16 and didn't get asked to this dance or sat alone at lunch or got moved to remedial math class or didn't have the right hair, the right glasses or the right jeans.

then there's the part of you that's utterly repulsed by the fact that you even still think about these things. i mean, it was 10 years ago. it makes no sense that what happened to you in junior high should have any effect on who you are now. but it does, and it's the days when it's hard to get out of bed, the days when you feel ugly and worthless and just want to disappear off the face of the earth. you are 16 again, and you hate it. and you wonder if you're going to spend your entire life trying to make right in your own head how you felt during your first 18 or so years of life.

so change, it's fucking bloody and awful. i'm trying. i feel like i spent 18 years hating myself and 5 years trying to forget that i hated myself. now i have to face this and try to let it dissapate. i can't declare war, i can't try to destroy it. i can't forget because it just leaks through in other ways. i just need to look at it and then let it go.

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