January 2. 2000

Today I woke up mid-morning and decided I was content to lie around. That is, until Alexis called and asked if I wanted to do anything. After vetoing going to a movie for lack of money and availibility of good movies, we went to Blockbuster and rented "The Blair Witch Project". For me, it ended up being an enormous disappointment, despite all the hype. All through the summer I had heard various people call it "the scariest movie I ever saw" and say "I couldn't sleep at night for days afterward". Maybe I'm missing something here, but I wasn't impressed THAT much. I mean, it looks like it was made for $35, 000 by three student filmmakers. What interested me more than the terrors of the Blair Witch was the dynamic between the characters as they were slowly driven crazy. And if anything impressed me, it's the fact that this little tiny film inspired such a huge response from the American public and as a result, had some Hollywood execs scared shitless. The end of mega blockbusters? Certainly not, but any film that can make a ripple in the status quo has my respect.

I still have two weeks before I go back to school, and I've been trying to be excited at the prospect, but it hasn't been working. I don't want to go back at all. Although my dismal report card had a lot to do with my feelings, they were lurking around before I even got it. I'm don't know if I can or want to put forth the effort that I will need to. The fact that I will have to start all over with a new roommate, to lay out the ground rules, get used to the person, learn their habits and quirks, is not something I am looking forward to going through again. I am also going to have to quit slacking off academically like I did last semester, not procrastinate and actually attend classes I hate. I need to make some progress in trying to keep myself healthy, because I am slowly sliding into the abyss of the fat and lazy.

I am not looking forward to going back to the people there, either. Hanging out with my friends during these past few weeks made me realize just what I'm missing with my friends at school. I talk to John and Erin, they've both made great friends at college, and have their social groups. That didn't really happen for me. I know it's unrealistic and unfair to think that I can make friendships at school like the ones I have at home in only one semester. I've known John for three years at least, and Erin, though I haven't always hung out with her, I've known since elementary school. There's history there, an understanding, that I don't have with people at school. I guess I expect them to understand my history and where I'm coming from and where I stand, but that's unfair, too.

I've lately stumbled on one of my disturbing mental trends. I'm one of those people who tends to overthink things and generally torture myself over things that are usually not worth it. Hence, a journal comes in handy to air out all these meanderings. But I've gotten into the habit of starting to overthink and worry about one thing, and then start to worry about something else, and then find yet another thing to worry about, and then they suddenly all converge into one huge problem to make me miserable and usually crying on the phone to some patient person at 3 am.

So, the equation goes:

small problem + small problem + small problem = massive panic or inane, impractical solution

This very thing happened today. It started with me obsessing about my grades and generally regretting all the stupid things I did in the last few months that contributed to them, and then I started to think about my new roommate and how much I detest living in the dorm and eating the cafeteria food, and then I started thinking about how much I hate living in the ghetto and the fact that I feel so cut off from the rest of the city. So then a mild panic and/or funk set in (John and Erin were the sounding booths for this one) and I came to a solution: I have to transfer.

It's actually not a completely insane idea. While I am happy with the education that I'm getting, it's all the circumstances surrounding it that I'm not happy about it. I would be much rather be in downtown Philadelphia, and in the midst of everything, or in New York City. NYC is where my heart is, and I would've been there in a second except that it's not much of a place for studying ceramics, apparently. More fine arts oriented that anything.

There are several things that would make transferring somewhat difficult. First, money. There is little chance I am going to find a better price for an art school than I am at tyler, with my scholarships and whatnot. It's cheap enough that I'm not carrying any loans at all right now. Second, my god awful grades from the first semester. They're certainly not going to help my case. Third, all the paperwork and hassle of applying to transfer, and will they accept my credits, etc.

The agony of a life with too many choices.

music: Don Juan's Reckless Daughter, Joni Mitchell
food: Pepsi
read: John B's manuscript
sight: band aid.
song lyric:
watching you is like watching
an x-rated movie where
nobody takes off their clothes.
- Put it in, Moxie