out of body

October 15. 1999

Home again. Everything is the same. Nothing is the same. Stop me before I start going off into philosophical tangents.

Itís really fricking weird to be back here. Thatís all I can say about it. I was struck, for the first time in my life, that there was no going back. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much time I spent at home, things would never be the same.

I feel strangely homeless. I went upstairs, into my room and just looked around. I must have looked like a freak, wandering aimlessly from room to room just staring at everything as if I was seeing it for the first time, not like the house I had lived in for 10 years. I felt out of place, like everything has changed and suddenly the familiarity that I had depended on was gone. Or maybe Iíve changed. The person I was at the end of August, a month and a half ago...well, I canít even touch her. I canít even imagine how I was then. Itís strange, this disassociation. From myself. From everything. Maybe Iím just being overly emotional. Maybe itís just that time of month. *sigh*

I felt really nervous and restless earlier this evening. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I couldnít place it. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Then Deborah called, and told me that she had been in complete emotional disarray because someone has been charging on her credit card for months and she hadnít known it. Sheís lost thousands of dollars. Also Koba and Venice couldnít get into the Tori show in NYC tonight, either, so I imagine my unrest was partly due to them, also. I believe in Karma or whatever you choose to call it. I told Deborah that - sheís one of the few people who wouldnít scoff at the notion. Iíve always gotten weird feelings like that when something happens before I know it in my mind. Sometimes when my sisterís knee is hurting really badly, I get a dull ache in my right knee too. Sometimes I think our hearts and bodies know before our minds.

Well, Karma or not, things are weird. I donít know quite how to deal with it. I alternate from having a stupid grin plastered on my face to nearly crying at some points. Everything is the same, nothing is the same. My family is still the same, the screaming fight my sister and my father got into earlier this evening was strangely comforting. But my piano still sounds strange.

music: the TV
food: lemonade...ah yes
read: all the newsweeks to catch up on
sight: my home...i think
random: I've got a huge headache right now
Song Lyric:
none right now.